Be Understanding and Caring

Step 21:

In relationships we all make mistakes and sometimes we are insensitive to the needs of others, especially those very close to us. All this leads to disappointment and resentment. The answer to handling disappointment is understanding. Relationships don't come about because people are perfect. They come about because of understanding. 

There is more gratification in being a caring person than in just being a nice person. A caring attitude builds goodwill which is the best kind of insurance that a person can have and it doesn't cost a thing.

 Some people substitute money for caring and understanding. Being understanding is far more important than money and the best way to be understood is to be understanding. And the basis of real communication is also to be understanding.

 Practice Generosity 

It is a sign of emotional maturity. Being generous is being thoughtful and considerate without being asked. Generous people experience the richness of life which a selfish person cannot even dream of. Be considerate; selfishness brings its own revenge. Be sensitive to other people's feelings.

 Be Tactful 

Tact is very important in any relationship. Tact is the ability to make a point without alienating the other person. 

Kindness

 Money will buy a great dog but only kindness will make him wag h tail. It is never too is soon for kindness because we don't know how soon is too late. 

Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see. It is better to treat a friend with kindness while he is living than display flowers on his grave when he is dead. 

An act of kindness makes a person feel good regardless of whether he is doing it or it is done to him. Kind words never hurt the tongue.

Practice Humility

 Step 20: 

 Confidence without humility is arrogance. Humility is the foundation of all virtues. It is a sign of greatness. Sincere humility attracts but false humility detracts.

•  Many years ago, a rider came across some soldiers who were trying to move a heavy log without success. The corporal was standing by as the men struggled. The rider asked the corporal why he wasn't helping. The corporal replied, "I am the corporal; i give orders." The rider dismounted, went up and stood by the soldiers and as they were lifting the log, he helped them. With his help, the log got moved. The rider quietly mounted his horse and went to the corporal and said, "The next time your men need help, send for the Commander-in-Chief." After he left, the corporal and his men found out that the rider was George Washington.

 The message is pretty clear. Success and humility go hand in hand. When others blow your horn, the sound goes further. Just think about it? Simplicity and humility are two hallmarks of greatness. Humility does not mean self-demeaning behavior. That would amount to belittling oneself. 

Practice Honesty, Integrity, and Sincerity

Step 19:

 Sometimes the brightness of truth does not enlighten but blinds the evil.

 Honesty means to be genuine and real versus fake and fictitious. Be labeled or build a reputation of being trustworthy. If there is one thing that builds any kind of relationship at home, at work, or socially, it is integrity. Not keeping commitments amounts to dishonest behavior. Honesty inspires openness, reliability, and frankness. It shows respect for one's self and others. Honesty is in being, not in appearing to be. Lies may have speed but truth has endurance. Integrity is not found in company brochures or titles but in a person's character. Is it worth compromising one's integrity and taking shortcuts to win? A person may win a trophy but knowing the truth, can never be a happy person. More important than winning a trophy is being a good human being.

 A POUND OF BUTTER

•  There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This angered him and he took the farmer to court. The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure. The farmer replied, amour Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measure, but I do have a scale." The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the butter?" The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker." What is the moral of the story? We get back in life what we give to others.

 Whenever you take an action, ask yourself this question: Am I giving fair value for the wages or money I hope to make?

Honesty and dishonesty become a habit. Some people practice dishonesty and can lie with a straight face. Others lie so much that they don't even know what the truth is anymore. But who are they deceiving? Themselves--- more than anyone else. Honesty can be put across gently. Some people take pride in being brutally honest. It seems they are getting a bigger kick out of the brutality than the honesty. Choice of words and tact are important.

 Truth May Not Always Be What You Want to Hear 

One can be truthful without being cruel but that may not always be the case. The most important responsibility of an honest friend is to be truthful. Some people, in order to avoid confronting painful truths, select friends who tell them what they want to hear. They kid themselves despite the fact that deep down they know they are not being truthful. Honest criticism can be painful. If you have many acquaintances and few friends, it is time to step back and explore the depth of your relationships. A lack of honesty is sometimes labeled as tact, public relations or politics. But is it really so? The problem with lying is that one has to remember one's lies.

 Honesty requires firmness and commitment. How many times have we all been guilty of:

•  little white lies?
•  flattery?
•  omitting facts or giving half-truths?
•  telling the greatest lies by remaining silent?

 Make yourself an honest man and then you may be sure there is one rascal less in the world. --Thomas Carlyle

 Credibility 

• We all know the story of the shepherd boy who cried wolf. The boy decided to have some fun at the expense of the villagers. He shouted, "Help, help, the wolf is here." The villagers heard him and came to his rescue. But when they got there, they saw no wolf and the boy laughed at them. They went away. The next day, the boy played the same trick and the same thing happened. Then one day, while the boy was taking care of his sheep he actually saw a wolf and shouted for help. The people in the village heard him but this time nobody came to his rescue. They thought it was another trick and didn't trust him anymore. He lost his sheep to the wolf. What is the moral of the story?

 The moral of the story is

•  When people tell lies, they lose credibility.
•  Once they have lost credibility, even when they tell the truth, no one believes them.

The Quality of a Good Character is Honesty

 Truth can be misrepresented in two ways: 

1. Incomplete facts or information

 2. Exaggeration

 BEWARE OF HALF-TRUTHS OR MISREPRESENTATION OF TRUTHS

•  There was a sailor who worked on the same boat for three years. One night he got drunk. This was the first time it ever happened. The captain recorded it in the log, "The sailor was drunk tonight." The sailor read it, and he knew this comment would affect his career, so he went to the captain, apologized and asked the captain to add that it only happened once in three years which was the complete truth. The captain refused and said, "What I have written in the log is the truth." The next day it was the sailor's turn to fill in the log. He wrote, "The captain was sober tonight." The captain read the comment and asked the sailor to change or add to it explaining the complete truth because this implied that the captain was drunk every other night. The sailor told the captain that what he had written in the log was the truth. Both statements were true but they conveyed misleading messages;

 Exaggeration

 Exaggeration does two things:

 1. It weakens a person's case and makes him lose credibility.

 2. It is like an addiction. It becomes a habit. Some people can't tell the truth without exaggerating.

 Be Sincere

 Sincerity is a matter of intent and hard to prove. We can achieve our goals by having a sincere desire to help others.

 Stay Away from Pretense

 Asking a friend in trouble, "Is there anything I can do for you," is really annoying. It is more of an eyewash and pretense. If you really want to help, think of something appropriate to be done and then do it. Many people put on the cloak of sincerity more out of selfishness than substance, hoping that some day they could claim the right to receive help. Stay away from meaningless and phony pleasantries. Caution--Sincerity is no measure of good judgment. Someone could be sincere, yet wrong.

 ACTIONS; SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

 WHICH LOVED BEST?

 "I love you, Mother," said little John;

 Then, forgetting his work, his cap went on,

 And he was off to the garden swing,

 And left her the water and wood to bring.

 "I love you, Mother," said rosy Nell-

"I love you better than tongue can tell";

 Then she teased and pouted full half the day, 

Till her mother rejoiced when she went to play.

 "I love you, Mother," said little Fan;

 "Today I'll help you all I can;

 How glad I am that school doesn't keep!"

 So she rocked the babe till it fell asleep.

 Then, stepping softly, she fetched the broom, 

And swept the floor and tidied the room;

 Busy and happy all day was she,

 Helpful and happy as child could be.

 "I love you, Mother," again they said,

 Three little children going to bed;

How do you think that mother guessed 

Which of them really loved her best?

                                                              --Joy Allison*

 Maintain Integrity 

Ancient wisdom says, "Anything that is bought or sold has no value unless it contains the secret, priceless ingredient-that, what cannot be traded." What is it? The secret, priceless ingredient of every product is the credibility, the honor and integrity of the one who makes it. It is not so secret but it is priceless.

 Here is Another Side to Integrity--Questionable 

Three executives were fighting over who would pay the bill for lunch. One said, "I will pay, I can get a tax deduction." The other said, "Let me have it, I will get reimbursement from my company." The third said, "Let me pay, because I am filing for bankruptcy next week." 

Avoid Bearing Grudges.

Step 18:

  Forgive and Forget Don't be a garbage collector. Have you heard the phrase I can forgive but I can't forget? When a person refuses to forgive, he is locking doors that some day he might need to open. When we hold grudges and harbor resentment, who are we hurting the most? Ourselves.

•  Jim and Jerry were childhood friends but for whatever reasons, the relationship fell apart and they hadn't spoken for 25 years. Jerry was on his deathbed and didn't want to enter eternity with a heavy heart. So he called Jim, apologized and said, "Let's forgive each other and be done for the past." Jim thought it was a good idea and decided to visit Jerry at the hospital. They caught up on 25 years, patched up their differences and spent a couple of hours together. As Jim was leaving, Jerry shouted from behind, "Jim, just in case I don't die; remember, this forgiveness doesn't count." Life is too short to hold grudges. It is not worth it. 

Shame on Me 

While it is not worth holding grudges, it doesn't make sense to be bitten time and again. It is well said, "You cheat me once, shame on you; you cheat me twice, shame on me." John Kennedy once said, "Forgive the other person but don't forget their name." I am sure that his message was that one should not get cheated twice. 

Be Dependable and Practice Loyalty

Step 17: 

The old adage, "an ounce of loyalty is worth more than a pound of cleverness," is universal and eternal. 

Ability is important but dependability is crucial. If you have someone with all the ability but if he is not dependable, do you want him as part of your team? No, not at all.

 I KNEW YOU WOULD COME

•  There were two childhood buddies who went through school and college and even joined the army together. War broke out and they were fighting in the same unit. One night they were ambushed. Bullets were flying all over and out of the darkness came a voice, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry immediately recognized the voice of his childhood buddy, Bill. He asked the captain if he could go. The captain said, "No, I can't let you go, I am already short-handed and I cannot afford to lose one more person. Besides, the way Bill sounds he is not going to make it." Harry kept quiet. Again the voice came, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry sat quietly because the captain had refused earlier. Again and again the voice came. Harry couldn't contain himself any longer and told the captain, "Captain, this is my childhood buddy. I have to go and help." The captain reluctantly let him go. Harry crawled through the darkness and dragged Bill back into the trench. They found that Bill was dead. Now the captain got angry and shouted at Harry, "Didn't I tell you he was not going to make it? He is dead, you could have been killed and I could have lost a hand. That was a mistake." Harry replied, "Captain, I did the right thing. When I reached Bill he was still alive and his last words were 'Harry, I knew you would come."' 

Good relationships are hard to find and once developed should be nurtured.
 We are often told: Live your dream. But you cannot live your dream at the expense of others. People who do so are unscrupulous. We need to make personal sacrifices for our family, friends, and those we care about and who depend on us. 

Be Grateful But Do Not Expect Gratitude

 Step 16:

 Gratitude is a beautiful word. We must be thankful. Gratitude is a feeling. It improves our personality and builds character. Gratitude develops out of humility. It is a feeling of thankfulness toward others. It is conveyed through our attitude towards others and reflects in our behavior. Gratitude does not mean reciprocating good deeds because gratitude is not give and take. A good deed cannot be canceled by a counter act. Things such as kindness, understanding, and patience cannot be repaid. What does gratitude teach us? It really teaches us the art of cooperation and understanding. Gratitude must be sincere. A simple thank-you can be gracious. Many times we forget to be thankful to the people closest to us, such as our spouse,our relatives, our friends. Gratitude would rank among the top qualities that form the character and personality of an individual with integrity. Ego stands in the way of showing gratitude. A gracious attitude changes our outlook in life. With gratitude and humility, right actions come naturally.

 Gratitude ought to be a way of life, something which we cannot give enough of. It can mean a smile, or a thank you, or a gesture of appreciation.

 Think of your most precious possessions. What makes them special? In most cases, the gift is less significant than the giver. Seldom are we grateful for the things we already possess.

 Think back and try to recall the people who had a positive influence on your life. Your parents, teachers, anyone who spent extra time to help you. Perhaps it appears that they just did their job. Not really. They willingly sacrificed their time, effort, money and many other things for you. They did it out of love and not for your thankfulness. At some point, a person realizes the effort that went in to help them shape their future. Perhaps it is not too late to thank them. And it is time to reciprocate. Love requires sacrifice.

 The Story of Christ

 As the story goes, once Christ healed ten lepers and when he turned back they were all gone except one who had the courtesy to thank Christ. Christ said, "I didn't do a thing." What is the moral of the story?

 1. Human beings are ungrateful.

 2. A grateful person is the exceptional person.

 3. Christ literally gave them a new life and said, "I didn't do a thing." 

4. Like Christ we should not expect gratitude.

 How does this translate in our behavior and personality? We feed or give shelter to someone for a few days and say "Look what I did for the other person." We blow our giving out of proportion in our own mind. It is not uncommon to hear people saying, "If it wasn't for me, this person would be on the street." What an ego!

 By the Way

 When people ask others to do something for them by using the phrase "By the way, can you do this for me?" they undermine the importance of doing or not doing. I have found that if we have to do anything for anyone it is never "by the way," it is always "out of the way." 

This does not amount to doing favors from the doer's perspective. If one doesn't do things that can be done to help another person, then it is sad. But I am convinced that there is no such thing as"By the way," it is always "out of the way" and it is worth it. 

Turn Your Promises into Commitments

Step 15:

What is the difference between a promise and a commitment? A promise is a statement of intent. A commitment is a promise that is going to be kept no matter what. In the no matter what, I exclude illegal and immoral things. Commitment comes out of character and leads to conviction.

Can you imagine what kind of a world it would be if no one made a commitment to one another? What would happen to relationships between

•  spouses? employers and employees? 
• parents and children?
•  students and teachers?
•  buyers and sellers?

 Uncommitted relationships are pretty shallow and hollow. They are a matter of convenience and are temporary. Nothing lasting has ever been created without commitment. 

Commitment says, "I am predictable in the unpredictable future."

 Many people confuse commitment with confinement. That really is not true. Commitment does not take away freedom; it actually gives more freedom because it gives a sense of security.

The most important commitment we ever make is to our values. That is why it is imperative to have the right value system. For example, if I committed myself to support a leader who later becomes a drug dealer, do I continue my commitment? Not at all. 

Commitment leads to enduring relationships through thick and thin. It shows in a person's personality and relationships.

Don't Gossip

Step 14:

 Remember, people who gossip with you also gossip about you in your absence. 

Gossiping and lying are closely related. A gossip listens in haste and repeats at leisure. A gossip never minds his own business because he neither has a mind nor a business. A gossip is more concerned about what he overhears than what he hears. Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves nothing unsaid.

 Someone said it well: "Small people talk about other people, mediocre people talk about things, great people talk about ideas." 

Gossip can lead to slander and defamation of character. People who listen to gossip are as guilty as those who do the gossiping. 

A gossip usually gets caught in his own mouth trap. Gossip has no respect for justice. It breaks hearts, it ruins lives, it is cunning and malicious. It victimizes the helpless. Gossip is hard to track down because it has no face or name. It tarnishes reputations, topples governments, wrecks marriages, ruins careers, makes the innocent cry, causes heartaches and sleepless nights. The next time you indulge in gossip, ask yourself.

• Is it the truth?
•  Is it kind and gentle?
•  Is it necessary?
•  Am I spreading rumors?
•  Do I say positive things about others?
•  Do I enjoy and encourage others to spread rumors?
•  Does my conversation begin with, "Don't tell anyone?"
•  Can I maintain confidentiality?

 Refrain from indulging in gossip. Remember, small talk comes out of big mouths. 

Discuss But Don't Argue

 Step 13:

  There are some personalities that can be labelled as argumentative and that shows in their behavior and relationships. Arguments can be avoided and a lot of heartache prevented by being a little careful. The best way to win an argument is to avoid it. An argument is one thing you will never win. If you win, you lose; if you lose, you lose. If you win an argument but lose a good job, customer, friend or marriage, what kind of victory is it? Pretty empty. Arguments result from inflated ego.

 Arguing is like fighting a losing battle. Even if one wins, the cost may be more than the victory is worth. Emotional battles leave a residual ill will even if you win. In an argument, both people are trying to have the last word. Argument is nothing more than a battle of egos and results in a yelling contest. A bigger fool than the one who knows it all is the one who argues with him.

 Is It worth It? 

The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you have. Even if you are right, is it worth arguing? The answer is pretty obvious. A big no. Does that mean one should never bring up a point? One should, but gently and tactfully by saying something neutral such as "based on my information . . ." If the other person is argumentative, even if you can prove him wrong, is it worth it? I don't think so. Do you make your point a second time? I wouldn't. Why? Because the argument is coming from a closed mind trying to prove who is right rather than what is right.

 For example, at a social get-together, especially after a few drinks, someone may say authoritatively, "The current year's export figures are $50 billion." You happen to know that his information is incorrect and the right figure is $45 billion. You read it in the paper that morning or you heard it on the radio on the way to the get-together and you have a bulletin in your car to substantiate it. Do you make your point? Yes, by saying, "My information is that the export figure is $45 billion." The other person reacts, "You don't know what you are talking about. I know exactly what it is and it is $50 billion."

 At this point, you have several choices:

 1. Make your point again and start an argument. 2. Run and bring the bulletin from your car and make sure you prove him wrong. 3. Avoid it. 4. Discuss but don't argue. 

The right choice is number 3 only.

 If one wants to accomplish great things in life one has to practice maturity. Maturity means not getting entangled in unimportant things and petty arguments.

 What is the Difference Between an Argument and a Discussion?

•  An argument throws heat; a discussion throws light.
•  One stems from ego and a closed mind whereas the other comes from an open mind. 
• An argument is an exchange of ignorance whereas a discussion is an exchange knowledge.
•  An argument is an expression of temper whereas a discussion is an expression of logic.
•  An argument tries to prove who is right whereas a discussion tries to prove what is right.

 It is not worthwhile to reason with a prejudiced mind; it wasn't reasoned into him so you can't reason it out. A narrow mind and a big mouth usually lead to interesting but pointless arguments. In order to discuss, let the other person state his side of the case without interruption. Let him blow steam. Don't try to prove him wrong on every point. Never let him drag you to his level. Treat him with courtesy and respect; that will confuse him.

 Regardless of the cause, the best way to diffuse the situation is to:

 1. give a patient hearing. 2. not fight back or retaliate that--will confuse the other person because he was expecting a fight. 3. not expect an apology. For some people, apologizing is difficult even if they have made a mistake. 4. not make issues out of petty matters. 

Discussion entails not only saying the right thing at the right time but also leaving unsaid what need not be said. Children should be taught the art of speaking up but not talking back. As adults we should learn the art of disagreeing without being disagreeable. The way a person handles an argument reflects their upbringing.

 I learned a long time ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and besides, the pig likes it. -------Cyrus Ching

 Steps to Opening a Discussion 1. Be open-minded. 2. Don't be dragged into an argument. 3. Don't interrupt. 4. Listen to the other person's point of view before giving your own. 5. Ask questions to clarify. That will also set the other person thinking. 6. Don't exaggerate. 7. Be enthusiastic in convincing, not forceful. 8.Be willing to yield. 9. Be flexible on petty things but not on principles. 10. Don't make it a prestige issue.11. Give your opponent a graceful way to withdraw without hurting his pride. Rejection can be hurtful.12.  Use soft words but hard arguments rather than hard words & soft arguments .

 It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument. His strong and bitter words only indicate a , weak cause. During a discussion, it may be a good idea to use phrases such as:

•  It appears to me ...
•  I may be wrong ..

.Another way to defuse arguments is by showing ignorance and asking questions such as:

•  Why do you feel that way? 
• Can you explain a little?
•  Can you be more specific?

If nothing works, it may be worthwhile to politely, gently, and with courtesy, agree to disagree. 

When We Make a Mistake, We Should Accept It immediately

Step 11:

 When We Make a Mistake, We Should Accept It immediately and Willingly When I am wrong,

make me easy to change; and when I am right, make me easy to live with. This is a good philosophy to live by.

 Some people live and learn while others live and never learn. Mistakes are to be learned from. 

The greatest mistake a person can make is to repeat it. Don't assign blame and make excuses. Don't dwell on it. When you realize your mistake, it is a good idea to accept it and apologize. Don't defend it. Why? Acceptance disarms the other person. 

Step 12: 

When the Other Person Realizes and Admits That He Has Made a Mistake, Congratulate Him and Give Him a Way Out to Save Face If we don't let him save face, we are hurting his self esteem.

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Step 10: 

The psychologist William James said, "One of the deepest desires of human beings is the desire to be appreciated. The feeling of being unwanted is hurtful."

 Expensive jewels are not real gifts; they are apologies for shortcomings. Many times we buy gifts for people to compensate for not spending enough time with them. Real gifts are when you give a part of yourself. Sincere appreciation is one of the greatest gifts one can give to another person. It makes a person feel important. The desire to feel important is one of the greatest cravings in most human beings. It can be a great motivator.

 The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of being unwanted. --Mother Teresa

 Appreciation, in order to be effective, must meet certain criteria: 

1. It must be specific. If I tell someone that he did a good job, and walk away, what will go through his mind? He will think, "What did I do good.?" He will be confused. But when I say, "The way you handled that difficult customer was great," then he knows what he is being appreciated for.

 2. It must be immediate. The effectiveness is diluted if we show our appreciation for someone six months after he has done something commendable.

 3. It must be sincere. It must come from the heart. You must mean every word. 

 4. Don't qualify praise with a but. By using the but as a connector, we erase the appreciation. Use "and," "in addition to that" or some other appropriate connector. Say something like "I appreciate your effort and would you please ..." rather than "I appreciate your effort but ..." 

5. After giving appreciation, it is not important to wait for a receipt or acknowledgement. Some people are looking for a compliment in return. That is not the purpose of appreciation. 

If you are receiving appreciation, accept it graciously with a "thank-you."

 It is easier to deal with honest rejection than insincere appreciation. At least the person knows where he stands.

What is the difference between appreciation and flattery? The difference is sincerity. One comes from the heart, the other from the mouth. One has an ulterior motive and the other is sincere. Some people find it easier to flatter than to give sincere praise. Don't flatter or get taken in by flatterers.

It's an old maxim in the schools

 that flattery's the food of fools

 Yet now and then you men of wit

 will condescend to take a bit. --Jonathan Swift

Insincere appreciation is like a mirage in the desert. The closer you get, the more disappointed you become because it is nothing more than an illusion. People put up a front of sincerity as a cover up. 

Be Enthusiastic

. Step 9

 Nothing great is ever achieved without enthusiasm. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

 Enthusiasm and success go hand in hand, but enthusiasm comes first. Enthusiasm inspires confidence, raises morale, builds loyalty! and is priceless. Enthusiasm is contagious. You can feel enthusiasm by the way a person talks, walks or shakes hands. Enthusiasm is a habit that one can acquire and practice.

 Many decades ago, Charles Schwab, who was earning a salary of a million dollars a year, was asked if he was being paid such a high salary because of his exceptional ability to produce steel. Charles Schwab replied, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement." 

Live while you are alive. Don't die before you are dead. Enthusiasm and desire are what change mediocrity to excellence. Water turns into steam with a difference of only one degree in temperature and steam can move some of the biggest engines in the world. That is what enthusiasm

helps us to do in our lives. 

Be a Good Listener

Step 8: 

 Ask yourself these questions. How does it make you feel when you wanted somebody to listen to you and 

• They did more talking than listening?
•  They disagreed with the first thing you said. 
• They interrupted you at every step.
•  They were impatient and completed every sentence you started.
•  They were physically present but mentally absent. 
• They heard but didn't listen. You had to repeat the same thing three times because the other person wasn't listening.
•  They came to conclusions unrelated to facts.
•  They asked questions on unrelated topics. 
• They were fidgety and distracted. 
• They were obviously not listening or paying attention.

 All these things show disinterest in the person or the topic and a total lack of courtesy.

 Do the following words describe the feeling of not being listened to?

•  Neglected                                           
•  Rejected
•  Dejected 
• Let down
•  Unimportant 
• Small
•  Ignored
•  Belittled

•  Annoyed
•  Stupid 
• Worthless
•  Embarrassed
• Demotivated
•  Disheartened 

 Let's reverse the scenario. How does it make you feel when you want someone to listen to you and they

•  make you comfortable.
•  give you their undivided attention.
•  ask appropriate and relevant questions.
•  show interest in your subject.

 Do the following words describe the feeling of being listened to?

1.  Important  2.Pleased 3. Satisfied  4.Worthwhile 5. Cared for 6. Good 7. Happy 8.Appreciated  9.Encouraged 10.Inspired

What are some of the barriers to effective listening?
 External Barriers 1. physical 2. noise 3. fatigue
 Internal Barriers 1. distractions  preoccupation or absent-mindedness 2. prejudice and prejudging people 3. no interest in subject or speaker

 There could be intellectual barriers, such as language, comprehension, etc. In order to inspire others to speak, be a good listener. 

Listening shows caring. When you show a caring attitude toward another person, that person feels important. When he feels important, what happens? He is more motivated and more receptive to your ideas. 

An open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart. --David Augsburger

 In order to be a good listener:

•  Encourage the speaker to talk. 
• Ask questions. It shows interest.
•  Don't interrupt.
•  Don't change the topic.
•  Show understanding and respect.
•  Pay attention, concentrate.
•  Avoid distractions.
•  Show empathy.
•  Be open-minded. Don't let preconceived ideas and prejudices prevent you from listening. 
• Concentrate on the message and not on the delivery.
•  Recognize the nonverbal communication, such as facial expressions, eye contact, etc. They might be communicating a different message from the verbal.
•  Listen to feelings and not just words.