Upbringing

"Fellow citizens, why do you turn and scrap every stone to gather wealth and to take so little care of your children to whom one day, you must relinquish it all?"-Socrates

 In order for our children to turn out well, we need to spend twice the time and half the money. It is less painful to learn in youth than be ignorant as an adult. Parents with high self-esteem breed confidence and high self-esteem in their children by giving them positive concepts, beliefs, and values. The reverse is also true.

 It is a great heritage to have honest parents. Parents who participate in crooked business deals unfortunately set bad examples for their future generations.

 A strong role model or mentor could be a parent, relative or teacher who is held in high regard. During their formative years, children look up to adults in positions of influence. Even as adults, we look to our supervisors and managers as role models. 

LITTLE EYES UPON YOU** 

There are little eyes upon you and they're watching night and day. There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say. There are little hands all eager to do anything you do; And a little boy who's dreaming of the day he'll be like you. You're the little fellow's idol, you're the wisest of the wise. In his little mind about you no suspicions ever rise. He believes in you devoutly, holds all that you say and do; He will say and do, in your way, when he's grown up like you. There's a wide-eyed little fellow who believes you're always right; And his eyes are always opened, and he watches day and night. You are setting an example every day in all you do, For the little boy who's waiting to grow up to be like you. 

CAUSES OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

 We start forming our self-esteem, positive or negative, from the day we are born. We develop feelings about ourselves that are reinforced by others.

 Negative Self-Talk or Negative Auto-Suggestions

This is when we say to ourselves, consciously or unconsciously, statements such as:

•  I have a poor memory.
•  I'm not good at math. 
• I'm not an athlete.
•  I'm tired.

 Such statements only reinforce the negative and put ourselves down. Very soon our mind starts believing these statements and our behavior changes accordingly. They become self-fulfilling prophecies.

 Environment

 Home

 The greatest thing that a parent can give to his children are roots. The best part of a family tree is the roots. Noticing a little girl's courteous and polite behavior, the teacher asked, "Who taught you to be so courteous and polite?" The girl replied, "No one. It just runs in our family." 

Why Pretend?

Our character can be judged by everything we do or don't do, like or don't like, such as:

•  The kind of movies we enjoy.
•  The kind of music we listen to. 
• The kind of company we keep or avoid. 
• The kind of jokes we tell or laugh at. 
• The kind of books we read.

 Every action of ours gives us away anyway, so why pretend? I believe that if a person lives with conviction, sensitivity and cooperation, he can move others with his effort. That person becomes worthy of self-respect. 

Positive Self-Esteem

1.  self-respect 
2. self-confidence 
3. self-worth 
4. self-acceptance 
5. self-love
6.  self-knowledge
7.  self-discipline 

Negative Self-Esteem 

1. self-put down
2.  self-doubt 
3. self-abuse
4.  self-denial
5.  self-centeredness 
6. self-deceit 
7. self-indulgence

 Self-esteem does not mean having a big ego.

 Unless a person is at peace with himself, he cannot be at peace with others. Just as we cannot give to others what we don't have. Unless we possess the components of self esteem, we cannot share it with others. We need to first get in touch with ourselves and put ourselves in order. Even in an aircraft, the safety instructions tell you to put on an oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child. We are not talking about selfishness.Self-esteem can be defined as the way we feel about ourselves. Self-image is the way we see ourselves. When we feel good, our productivity goes up.

THEY PUT ON A MASK

•  A young executive with poor self-esteem was promoted but he couldn't reconcile himself to his new office and position. There was a knock at his door. To show how important and busy he was, he picked up the phone and then asked the visitor to come in. As the man waited for the executive, the executive kept talking on the phone, nodding and saying, "No problem, I can handle that." After a few minutes he hung up and asked the visitor what he could do for him. The man replied, "Sir, I'm here to connect your phone."

 What is the Message?

 Why pretend? What are we trying to prove? What do we want to accomplish? Why do we need to lie? Why look for feelings of false importance? All of this comes from insecurity and poor self-esteem. 

High Self-Esteem & Low Self-Esteem

 Some characteristics of people with: 

High Self-Esteem

1. Talk about ideas
2.  Caring attitude 
3. Humility 
4. Respects authority
5.  Courage of conviction 
6. Confidence 
7. Concerned about character
8.  Assertive
9.  Accepts responsibility 
10. Self-interest
11.  Optimistic 
12. Understanding
13.  Willing to learn 
14. Sensitive 
15. Solitude
16.  Discuss 
17. Believes in self-worth 
18. Guided 
19. Discipline
20.  Internally driven
21.  Respects others
22.  Enjoys decency
23.  Knows limit
24.  Giver 

  Low Self-Esteem

1. Talk about people
2.  Critical attitude 
3. Arrogance 
4. Rebels against authority 
5. Goes along to get along 
6. Confusion 
7. Concerned about reputation 
8. Aggressive 
9. Blames the whole world
10.  Selfish 
11. Fatalistic
12.  Greedy 
13. Know it all 
14. Touchy 
15. Lonely
16.  Argue 
17. Believes in net worth only
18.  Misguided 
19. Distorted sense of freedom 
20. Externally driven
21.  Looks down on others
22.  Enjoys vulgarity
23.  Everything goes 
24. Taker

The objective of this list is to provide a basis for self evaluation rather than produce guilt. It is not necessary to have all the traits. Some characteristics may be present to a greater or lesser degree. So long as we are able to recognize them, we can make an effort to correct ourselves. 

Touchy & Sensitive

What is the difference between being touchy and being sensitive? Touchiness is the cactus approach; you touch me and I will hurt you. Being sensitive is the positive approach, the caring approach. Many times the two are used interchangeably. People say be careful when talking to so and so, he or she is very sensitive. What they are really saying is that the person is touchy, so be careful.

•  They have negative expectations of themselves and others and are seldom disappointed.
• They lack confidence.

 1. They constantly seek approval and validation from others. Seeking approval is different from seeking a second opinion, which really means consultation.

 2. Bragging about themselves is also a sign of lack of confidence.

 3. Submissive or timid behavior. These are people who constantly apologize for their existence. They are always putting themselves down,which is different from being humble. Humility comes from confidence whereas putting yourself down comes from lack of it. A person who lacks confidence cannot be an effective leader. Others sense this lack of confidence, which results in a lack of respect.

 4. Lack of assertiveness. People with low self esteem are not willing to stand up for their belief. On the other hand, being unduly aggressive is also a sign of poor self-esteem. Being aggressive in situations that require compassion does not amount to assertiveness. 

5. A lack of confidence results in conformist behavior. If everybody is doing it, then so should I. Every day we see people giving in to peer pressure, knowing full well what they are doing could be detrimental yet they do it to be accepted. People with low selfesteem go along to get along. They are looking for outside validation because they lack confidence in themselves. 

6. Keeping up with the Joneses--pretense When people try to keep up with the Joneses, they spend money they haven't earned, they buy things they don't need, and they try to impress people they don't like. 

7. Nonconformist or attention-seeking behavior. In order to gain attention, people with poor self esteem might do senseless things just to stand out and be noticed. They get a kick and a sense of importance from perversion. Some people choose to do wrong and be wrong just to be different and gain attention. Examples are people who brag excessively, the classroom clown, etc.

•  They are indecisive and do not accept responsibility. Lack of courage and fear of criticism lead to indecisive behavior.
•  They rebel against authority. I make a distinction between rebelling out of the courage of one's convictions and rebelling because of poor self esteem. All the great world leaders, such as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln, were rebels. They rebel against authority out of the courage of their convictions; a person with low self-esteem rebels against authority just because it is authority, even when the authority is right.
•  They are anti-social and may be withdrawn. 
• They lack a sense of direction and have an "I don't care" attitude which is reflected in their behavior. 
• They have a hard time giving or receiving compliments. In giving, they feel they might be misconstrued and in receiving they feel they are undeserving. Feeling unworthy is not humility. 
• Too much emphasis on material things People with poor self-esteem judge a person's worth by his possessions, not by who he is. They constantly look at what kind of car you are driving, what kind of home you live in, what kind of clothes and jewelry you wear. They forget that people make things, and not vice versa. People with poor self esteem place more emphasis on net worth than self worth. Their lives revolve around ads and fads. Designer labels are their status symbols. Take away their things and they will die of shame. They get into a rat race. "The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat."*
• Lack of pride in themselves--they are shabbily dressed and uncouth.
•  They are takers, not givers.

Low self-esteem could lead to extremes of behavior. A person with high self-esteem could choose identical behavior for different reasons: He may be alone because he prefers solitude, whereas a person with low self-esteem prefers to be alone because he is uncomfortable in groups. 

Low Self-Esteem

How do we recognize poor self-esteem? What are the behavior patterns of a person with poor self-esteem? The following is a brief list, which is not all inclusive but is indicative.

• They are generally gossip mongers. 
• They have a critical nature. They criticize as if there is a contest going on and they have to win a prize. 
• They have high egos they are arrogant and believe they know it all. People with low self-esteem are generally difficult to work with and for. They tear down others to get a feeling of superiority. 
• They are closed minded and self-centered. 
• They constantly make excuses-- always justifying failures. 
• They never accept responsibility--always blaming others. 
• They have a fatalistic attitude no initiative and always waiting for things to happen.
•  They are jealous by nature. 
• They are unwilling to accept positive criticism. They become defensive. 
• They are bored and uncomfortable when alone. 
• Poor self-esteem leads to breakdown in decency. People with low self-esteem don't know where to draw the line--where decency stops and vulgarity starts. It is not unusual for people to tell jokes at social get-togethers but with every drink, the jokes get dirtier and dirtier. 
• They don't have genuine friends because they are not genuine themselves.
•   They make promises they know they are not going to keep. A person with low selfesteem would promise the moon to make a sale. Unkept promises lead to loss of credibility. A person with high self esteem would prefer loss of business than loss of credibility because they realize that one cannot put a price on one's credibility. 
• Their behavior is senseless and erratic. They swing from one end of the pendulum to another. They may be all sugar and honey today but the same people may be out to cut your throat tomorrow. They lack balance. 
• They alienate people and tend to be lonely. 
• They are touchy in nature--this is called the fragile ego. Anytime something is said, a person with a fragile ego takes it personally and gets hurt. It leads to dejection.